Diary Of An Indie Pub
In the second installment of our frank and honest #IndiePubDiary, editor Brittany Borshell talks about something we can all understand: Daily struggles and imposter syndrome.
Sometimes I feel I am wearing too many hats. Publisher, mother, wife, friend, and the inevitable guilt I seem to carry with me the moment I try to do anything for myself. When I’m on a deadline for a new release and my baby starts teething and wakes up at 3 am and I find myself putting in 21 hour days, every day that week. When my husband has a business trip and can’t be there to help, but my middle child with health problems has a neurology appointment two hours away…
I sometimes want to give up. I cried harder than the baby her first day of nursery because I am in the lucky position to be choosing to do this job. But I do love it.
And that makes me feel guilty all over again. Because I am loving something that takes me away from them sometimes.
Juggling so many roles isn’t anything new to the majority of working mothers and imposter syndrome is definitely real. I wish I could get past my daily anxiety about this business and be the perfect mom, wife and businesswoman. But I admit, some days I have to shut down my laptop, put away my phone, and disappear because I can’t accept I have a right to be in this space.
Romancelandia is vast and yet so intertwined I have equal parts exhilaration for being a part of it on a deeper level while waiting for people to realize they have a fraud in their midst and kick me out.
I still haven’t mastered any sort of balance in my work and life. My family are so good at giving me space when I need to focus, and the baby enjoys trying to write tweets in the middle of the night while I comfort her. I am lucky enough to have a supportive husband who sent me off to spend time with readers and authors at RARE London just a couple of weekends ago, assuring me networking for Violet Gaze Press is just as important as anything else I do.
I try to spend at least every other evening between 8pm to midnight totally focused on editing and reading manuscripts, and admin, so I can try to give my attention to my family on the other days. Because work never stops on the weekends and being present for my authors, networking on social media, and maybe allowing myself a couple of chapters of a book every few hours is what keeps me sane.
And as I hold our fifth book, Hearth and Home by Rebel Carter in my hands today I feel such an outpouring of pride. It’s helpful to know despite the anxiety and second guessing I am bringing good into the world. A book full of brilliant, diverse, loving people falling in love, with a cover which reflects that. One I put a lot of tears into creating with the author and is probably my favorite cover ever.
My work isn’t a hobby. It’s important.
Love isn’t the icing on the cake, it’s essential to the soul.
But still, I’m struggling. And I hope someday putting myself out there will feel natural, and I will be able to love all the different aspects of myself, equally and unreservedly.
And finally find that balance.
Are there times during your writing/publishing journey when you have struggled? How did you get through it? What advice would you give to someone else feeling the same way? Let us know in the comments or on social media using #IndiePubDiary